“If you don’t fit into this world, you are here to change it.”
We tend to believe that we got our personalities randomly.
The outcome of a series of nature-nurture coincidences.
And that, if we don’t really fit in, we should change ourselves.
Hide. Hold back.
Be a little better. A little smarter. A little tougher.
If we could just be a little different, all of our problems would magically dissipate.
This is the voice we grew up with.
The voice we inherited.
The voice that inevitably became our own.
It is not our own.
We are not born to dismiss ourselves.
It's very likely that what is causing you problems is not your personality, but the suppression of your personality. You are trying to be different. Because you've been taught that that's what you need to do to succeed in life.
They were wrong to teach you this.
The key to happiness is not to learn to change and push yourself.
The key is to unlearn their stories and lean back into who you really are.
Just the right amount please
Sort of be yourself, but definitely not too much.
That's the message we get from our culture.
"Don’t be so emotional. But also, don’t be cold.
Don’t be a pushover. But also, don’t be demanding.
Don’t be loud. You are so opinionated!
Don’t be quiet. Don’t you have any opinions?
Be happy with yourself. But don’t express it - don’t be arrogant.
Stop frowning, smile! But don’t be fake. Be real."
How are we surprised that we are so confused?
That wait-lists for therapists are skyrocketing?
That we’re on drugs, alcohol and a whole lot of Netflix to give ourselves a break from all of this?
The outside is messing with our inside.
And it is so intense that we're being traumatized.
But, there’s a leap hole!
Many of us have been pushed so far over the edge, that we are waking up to the truth. We've started to remember. What it should be like.
So I have a proposal. Let’s try something different.
Let's not change who we are, but let's change the narrative around us. Let’s change our beliefs.
What if we got our personalities on purpose?
Because it would bring us exactly what we wanted.
Because it is perfect for what we are here to do.
What if your personality is an actual tool to create beauty and justice and a better world?
What if your personality is part of an amazing masterplan that would change your environment for the better?
Wouldn’t it be a massive insult to the masterplan to ignore that?
To change yourself to fit some douchebag version of reality?
What if you were exactly right?
What if it's just a matter of finding the perfect outlet for your perfect energy?
Let’s get a little personal
Last year I learned about astrology and it baffled me how well it explained my inner workings. It was like getting a permission slip for being me. A mind blowing sigh of relief.
In a nutshell: I am obsessed with being of service and improving myself and our world (Virgo ego). I am sensitive and I love learning about spirituality, healing, psychology, compassion and relationships (7th house Pisces mind + growth + life focus). There is no boundary between my inner world and the outer world; I just HAVE to make public what’s in my heart (10th house Gemini moon conjunct MC). I think a little different than most and I need my inner rebel to create change (Uranus aspects to Sun and Mercury).
And so, it turns out, that what I am doing right here, is precisely what I am meant to be doing. Communicating freely about what I love and what I want to change. This is how I am wired. It makes me so insanely happy to share what I feel and think. When I am writing these posts, there is nothing else. No time or space. It sets my warrior-8th-house-Aries-sun on fire.
Like everyone, I’ve had my share of criticism though. I’ve been accused of being a goody two-shoes. A dreamer. A softie. Not realistic. Stop caring so much, they said. Stop being so sensitive. You are way too righteous. Let it go. Just toughen up and get with the program.
I got used to people telling me that I could not be thinking the things I thought. Not be feeling the things I felt. So I stopped expressing myself. I started to believe that my superpowers were my weaknesses. And just like that, I became powerless.
No more though.
All riled up
I have always hated it when people told me: “just let it go - because the world doesn’t work like that.”
Let’s change it then! Let’s take some responsibility please. We created this culture didn’t we? So we can change it as well. We need to take back our power and see ourselves as the strong and capable humans that we are, instead of some sad, powerless victims.
Why should we change our beautiful, strong, caring, playful personalities to match a ridiculous world? Shouldn’t it be the other way around? Can we please change our harsh, judgmental and fear-imposing culture instead?
We are not powerless. We just listened to the wrong people for a little while there. But now we know. We’ve learnt. Now, let’s move the F on and build this mother-FF-ing paradise.
Excuse the swearing. I'm all riled up.
I know writing about “being yourself” is nothing new.
I'm not being very original.
But I feel like we are beating around the bush.
I feel like most of us integrate this knowledge for let’s say 20%. We trim the edges. We do a bit of yoga, eat a bit more vegetables. Which is great, but we don't go deep enough. Because we've never learnt how to do the work.
I know this, because I was this.
Matching my unhealthy environment, made me confused and unhappy.
I was lucky enough to become ill. And the isolation that the illness brought, made me go within to heal myself. It helped me decondition from all the false narratives I had picked up from others.
And yes, me calling myself lucky is a bad-ass move, because I went through absolute hell for years. Sadly, I needed the hell to come back to me. Throughout this experience, there's always been this inner knowing: I need to go through this, so others won't have to. I need this experience to understand what it's like.
And that's all I want now. To help people understand themselves. That’s my big dream, my vision for how to change the world. I want children to grow up knowing exactly who they are. I want them to understand and honour their inner direction. Because when you know who you are, you are not so easily manipulated.
If you are reading this, I want you to know that 30 is not the end.
It’s just the beginning. We are just getting started.
Even 60 or 70 or 80 is not the end.
It’s not the end until it is the end (also, there is no end!).
So don’t trap yourself in behaviors, experiences, jobs and relationships that don’t resonate anymore. You always have a choice. It’s okay to change your mind. Any time. You can always choose again.
If you are a bit lost and don’t know which way to go; that’s totally okay! Don’t beat yourself up about it. You are not strange or stupid for feeling this way. The opposite actually. You are brave and wise for acknowledging that there is something not quite right.
Accepting that you are not sure, is closer to your dream life than stubbornly keeping the blinders on because it feels safe.
So be kind to yourself.
Give yourself time while you explore your options.
Get to know your inner world and fall in love with it.
And then go out into the world to match it.
This is about re-wiring your brain. Challenging the beliefs that you picked up. It might not be a walk in the park. Difficulties will come up to be processed. It’s the red pill. It’s not all roses. You’re going to be shaken up. But you will see the truth about yourself. About the world. And it will abso-fucking-lutely set you free.
Here’s to falling head over heels in love with yourself.
Art by Danica Gim
Added on January 23, 2021:
I now offer mini birth-chart readings! If you are curious and would like to get to know yourself and your purpose in a magical way, check out my page: boek een reading. The page is in Dutch right now, but I will add a translation soon. I ask 30 euro's for it in return, so it's a pretty risk-free way to dip your toes into Astrology and see if it resonates.